Coming Full Circle
I have been feeling the weight of reentry after a weekend knitting under the trees with one of my dear friends. I am learning that reentry after a retreat is a REAL thing! Why didn't I realize this before?
About a year ago, my friend Erin and I booked a glamping style knitting retreat at the Mendocino Grove in Mendocino, California (if you are wondering if knitting under the Redwoods and on the Northern California Coast for a whole weekend is glorious, I am here to tell you it is!). When we booked the trip, I had no idea that I would be setting my oldest daughter free into the great unknown the day before with only a passport and a backpack filled with a few belongings (one of them being my heart). The timing of this retreat was like a gift from the Universe. I couldn't have been in a better place to process the gift of 22 years of parenting.
In the moments leading up to, during, and after my daughter and I's farewells, I was filled with a mix of emotions I couldn't quite describe or put my finger on. All I could really pinpoint is that all of it, whatever I was feeling, made me swell with tears, and it wasn't necessarily singularly sadness or joy. It took me a few good cries, a couple of sweat seshes in the sauna, a magical massage, solo knitting, and chats with Erin to really understand what I was feeling (God love this woman for all the space she held for me on this trip. I felt so cared for and nourished in ways I haven't experienced from a friend in a long time. I have so much love for all the women who were on this retreat. I felt so held in such a tender time.).
With yarn in hand and trees above, I came to understand that what I was experiencing was a completion. A beautiful completion. A graduation if you will. On September 17, 2001, at the very young age of 19, I stared that sweet baby girl in the face and made a promise to myself to raise an incredible human, who felt loved, and was full of love and confidence. I had no idea what that intention would entail. I didn't know the journey would be an arduous one and extremely painful at times. That it would expand my capacity to love in ways I can't describe and that sometimes that would be heartbreaking. That it would require me to grow and stretch in ways I never thought possible. That I would have to make some of the hardest decisions of my life and trust that everything I did would fulfill this promise in the end. I didn't have the best examples in my life of how to do this, but I somehow knew I would figure it out, actually that I was destined to figure it out.
If you've been here for a while, you have probably gained bits & pieces of my life story. I wasn't exactly the poster child for the “most likely to succeed in parenting” award at 19. As a matter of fact, I had pretty much all the odds stacked against me. I think the determining factor that changed the course of my life was purpose. Hannah gave me purpose. That purpose allowed me to rewrite the story of my life and my lineage, for me and my children, and hopefully theirs, and all the future generations.
On the night of September 20, 2023, 22 years and 3 days after that sweet child was born, as I hugged her goodbye, I felt what it feels like to fulfill a purpose, a long-standing promise to myself, and a lifelong intention. In a world of instant gratification, where all we have to do to get to the end of the story is to swipe left, I experienced the overwhelming joy and satisfaction of my life's work coming into fruition and the long game paying off. It was like no other feeling I have ever felt. It felt like life coursing through my veins, a high like no other. It was like every feeling associated with joy and happiness came alive within me to create a powerful, unified, overwhelming sensation that I can only describe as the feeling of purpose being fulfilled. It was other worldly, divine, and expansive. It's as if, for a moment in time, my heart understood the meaning of life.
The moment really came full-circle for me, when I realized that the Universe had put me in the same location on the Mendocino Coast that my husband told me he loved me for the very first time in September of 2008. In that moment, as those words spilled out of his heart, I could have never imagined over the next 15 years, that I would move to California, he would raise my girls with me, become a part of my lifelong intention, and a key element in fulfilling the promise I made to my very young and naive self to raise an incredible human who was filled with love and confidence. His “I love you” would open up a world where this vision I had could be fulfilled.
The beauty of this 22 year journey couldn't fit in a tiny square, or a 2,200 character limit caption, it is almost too big for my heart that still swells as I contemplate it all. The realest, most beautiful moments of life are all too complex for tiny squares or limited captions. I am not even sure I have captured the full breadth of this monumental life experience here in this newsletter. Life is too big, too bold, too beautiful for a content plan!
The Universe takes on wild rides. We have the opportunity to co-create these wild rides with the Universe. It doesn't mean we control the outcome, but if we show up, hold the vision, and actively participate in our intuitive knowings, the Universe will give you what you desire. It won't be exactly as you pictured it, in most cases, it's far better than you could have imagined it. The journey won't be without pain or suffering, it will sometimes feel like it's not working, you will question yourself and your decisions. But if you show up for the long game, your purpose and your intention will surely be fulfilled.
I am starting to understand that midlife is full of fulfillment. You've been alive long enough to see many things come to fruition. I think that is part of the magic of midlife. The fulfillment of this purpose has left me with a renewed spirit and new perspective on life. I feel like this is just the beginning of something even better, something even more magical, although I have no idea at this moment what that is. But I am here for it, wrinkles and all! And I am glad we get to make this magic together.
In case you need to hear it, Keep Going. Everything on this journey is for you.